The Lady's Sanctuary

I feel like I'm missing something.
Like life is just blowing by me and I haven't got a grasp on it yet.
Like I'm just waiting for something to happen. For what? Hell if I know.

It's not a sad feeling. Not depressing.
It's just...empty.
I feel empty.

I used to get up every morning and think of one reason to be excited to get up and face the day (helped me deal with the early mornings in high school.)
But now, there's nothing.
I try to think of one little thing to bring a smile to my face that I know I'll deal with in the coming day, but there's just no reason to get out of my bed other than 'I have to'.

Again, it's not a depression thing. Just a questioning thing.
Questioning my purpose.
Questioning my needs.
Questioning my wants.
What do I want?

Not to feel empty.
I feel like I haven't smiled, really smiled, in years and years.

So what of me now?
What do I do?
What else is there but to float?
When I swim and strive to find something, I miss so much of what's around me.
But if I fight the current, I'll surely sink into a depression.

And so I'll be content, for now, to just float.
Float through life.
Because I can't imagine the great ocean being completely void. I won't.
Instead, I'll think of some wise words from a wise, blue fish.

Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.

OMG! I'm so behind on everything on the internet. Work has just been crazy and I'm finally leaving the house to hang out with friends when I'm not working. It's really nice actually. But I think I'm just gonna have to give up fanfiction for a bit. There's no way I could read everything I missed. So many sites I need to go update myself on. But I'm having too much fun reading in any spare time I have. Le Sigh...

Btw, Gerard Butler was just at my work all day. Tee hee!

I'm looking for a song. It's Let Me Sign by Rob Pattinson. I have a version from the Twilight soundtrack, but when I looked up lyrics, I saw that that version (also the only one available on iTunes) is only a third of the whole thing. My short version is 2:18 long, so if you see a time like that, it's not that one.

Does anyone have or know where I could get the full version? It's one of those songs that keeps haunting me and I can't get out of my head and I want to hear the whole thing.

I'm putting this under a cut because it's whiney and I know the moment I post it, I'll be over it.

I found this trailer and I think it looks awesome!! Just wanted to post this cause it might be my new favorite movie! hehe

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/ki ... er-trailer

I had such a blast this weekend. Friday I went to Disney for the trick or treat deal and Saturday I went to the lingerie party hosted by Playboy. Here are my pics:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/25891969@N02/sets/72157622712301654/

 I'm now in mourning. (Before you ask, no, no one actually died).

 I know I just posted, but that was random ramblings cause I was bored, and this time I actually want to say something.

I've been having these very strange episodes when I sleep. It doesn't happen all the time, only 3-4 times since I moved here. I looked up Night Terrors or Sleep Terror Disorder online, and I'm not quite convinced that that's what it is. Here's what I experience:

In the middle of the night I'll see an object coming at me. Like flying at my face but not always fast. Immediately afraid that's it's a spider (I do have a borderline arachnophobia) and I scream, run out of bed, and quickly turn the light on as fast as I can. Once the light is on, it's like I wake up. My heart rate is racing, I'm terrified and I'm really confused as to what happened. I realize that there's no spider or bug and when I think back on what happen, what I remember instead is a strange geometric shape. Then I can't figure out if I actually screamed or not. If I was awake or asleep. It usually takes me a few minutes to calm down to be comfortable enough to turn the light out again.

When I looked up Night Terrors, they're a state of sleep that lasts from 5-20 minutes and your eyes can be open, you can be crying, running, screaming, whatever, but you're still asleep. Mine seems different. I don't think I'm asleep for a long period of time and acting out. Unless I always turn on the light and that's what wakes me up. But it still just doesn't seem to match. It also seems too intense and my recollection of it is too vague to be a nightmare.

I do know that before I moved out here I had what's called HSP (Hallucinatory Sleep Paralysis). But this is different, too. Clearly with this new thing I can move around and scream.

Has anyone heard of anything like this before? I'm at such a loss as to what it is and I really hope it stops cause it's freaks me out so much.

Geez, these posts must be really boring to read! Whatever happened to my awesome fanvids and stuff? Never fear, I'm working on one now and hopefully it'll be up soon. ;)

But anyway, on with the boringness:

So things seem to be getting better. There's just one more hole not patched up yet. I know that I should just swallow my pride and contact her, but I'm still so hurt that after I told her I wanted to sort this out, she never got back to me. I feel like she totally blew me off and I thought that repairing a friendship was important. Hopefully I can get over myself soon, think about what I want to say, and then just message or call her.

Because other than that, it looks like everything else is falling into place. I don't feel as paranoid and depressed and angry as I once did. I'm learning to be more open about my feelings instead of bottling them up like I've done in the past. zionangel, you've totally helped me, by the way, by just coming up and hanging out with me last weekend. I'm also really excited for our future, geeky adventures!

But anyway, I'm just really excited about how things are going. I'm not too excited about this thing I have coming up this weekend because I'm just not in the mood to be flirty, and it's a sexy party. Hopefully I'll get there and still enjoy it though. I am really excited about Disney on Friday night!

This weekend was a lot of fun. Made lots of wondeful foods and Apples to Apples was a blast (as always). I really have a great group of friends, I've decided. It wasn't anything wild and crazy, but we still had fun. Plus, I opened their worlds to the magic that is Dusk Till Dawn! I never told them what sort of movie it was, so at the mid way point, when shit went down, everyone was screaming and laughing and it was easily the best part of the night!

 

zionangeland I came up with a great idea for when Iron Man 2 comes out in theaters. Have a pre party!! Anyone who's going to the movie with us that night can come over, we can eat and watch the first one and be as geeky as possible and then go to the Arc Light to see the sequel! I can't wait. I think it'll be great. I can't wait for her to come back in January. We're gonna run around to all the outdoor locations that Iron Man was filmed at and tak pics!

On a completely unrelate sidenote: who the hell attacks people on their own journals?! My friend got in an argument over something in a fanfic and it exploded in the author's post who then deleted it all and when my friend just wanted to vent and express her feelings on her own joural to her friends, the people who were against her totally came in an tried to start up the argument again and personally attacked her!! I don't care whether who was right or wrong in the orginal argument, but whoever then tries to just drag it all on by bringing it up (after it was over) has to be pretty fucking lame. Seriously people, there's gotta be else more productive to do with your time. *sigh* Oh well.

 

So I've been going into work an hour early and staying on my lunch break to train with the assistant editors. It's awsome cause I'm actually training and learning how to use the system instead of just watching as I was doing before. Things are getting really exctiting in that department!
 

I'm also working on a new fanvid right now. Just trying to put the finishing touched on it and change a couple things around, but once it's done, I'll post it. :)

Is there anyone who can get me the Bette Midler's 'I Put A Spell On You' from the end credits of Hocus Pocus that I can download? I have one version, but it's from the actual movie so you can still hear the actors saying their lines and such and it's kind of annoying.

I love my job and I love my family. I finally moved out and L.A. is so wonderful. You'd think everything is perfect. But I'm still finding myself crying myself to sleep on most nights. And this comes from the girl who used never to cry. I've turned into the exact type of person that I can't stand. Guess it's time to change things up and do something about it. Cause God help me, I just can't live like this forever.

 SOO bored at work right now. Like I usually am at work (and as I'm writing this I suddenly got chocolate covered strawberries! WIN!). But I'm getting excited for October. So many awesome things going on!

This weeked - Zombieland!
the 10th - Halloween Horror Nights. Gonna see Sami's boyfriend be Mike Myers!

the 17th - A small gathering/party I'm throwing at my place. Halloween themed foods, scary movies and of course, apples to apples. :)

the 23rd - Dressing up as Ariel for the Disney Halloween Time party!! That will be fun with Sami as Vanessa, thought we'll miss Kevin. :(

the 24th - I fly up to San Fransisco just for the night to go to the Erotic Exotic Ball. I'm thinking of doing a very sexy/naughty version of Iron Babe. ;)

the 31st - My friends are coming down and we're going to the Playboy Lingerie party at the Highlands Hollywood. He'll be a new version of Tony Stark and I'll be an extra sexy secretary (gonna enter the sexiest costume contest for cash prize of $1,000) and his wife is still unsure.

So yea, something fun happening every weekend. I love times like these! Halloween FTW!

 I'm totally in the mood to rp right now.


....Just sayin'.

At DragonCon that just passed, my friend who costumes as Tony Stark got a bunch (and I'm talking like 15 guys) to dress at Stark Industries security, a few women to wear cocktail dresses and be his arm candy and a paparazzi guy. So of course I was his Pepper and wife's badge read Natasha Romanoff. It was a really fun group with our security guys totally getting into character and moving people out of our path and removing odd people and brining in random hot women to take a picture with Mr. Stark. A few were even frisked for added security. ;) The Tony and I were trying to dress like them from the deleted Dubai scene, but he couldn't find the right tie or sunglasses. I don't think it really mattered though. :)


( Link to pics and two teasers under the cut )

 I found this on the DragonCon website and thought it was cool. :)

I'm really bored at work so I'm just gonna ramble a bit here on what's going on in my mind right now.

I got my Pepper Potts heels in yesterday. Some of you may not know, but I've decided to do this outfit of her's since I see so many done and not one of them done correctly. I'm commissioning the shirt right now cause I don't have any of my sewing equipment with me and the woman making it is a friend of mine who I trust as a good sales person and a wonderful seamstress.

But anyway, I got the heels and they're awesome. I just need to pain a couple of parts to make them near perfect (cause Lord knows I can't afford her actual ones!) I'm really looking forward to doing this for WonderCon in April. I might even take a couple of nice shots with it beforehand.


In other news, my mom is doing better, but I still can't stop myself from crying every time I'm alone (which is basically anytime I'm at home). I really need to be with friends right now and take my mind off of all of this, but they're too busy or I'm too busy or they don't have the money. To be honest, I kind of felt abandoned last weekend.

But! In an effort to attract friends and not be alone, I've decided to throw a Halloween get together! It's too laid back and not big enough to be a party. But I got this recipie book for the cutest Halloween themed foods and drinks and such. I'm gonna make some and have everyone come over and watch a scary movie or something. I might even make it a pot luck. But it wouldn't cost anyone money (unless they wanted to bring food) and I think it could be fun.

In other news, I finally bought my Avid editing system!! It's back-ordered though so who knows when I'll get it. But I'm really excited for it. You can bet I'll be editing every spare moment I get! There's been exciting stuff going on at work that I can't talk about. But I do really love my job and everything is going alright.

I can't wait for Halloween! I'm going to Halloween Horror Nights one weekend and dressing up and going to Disney's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party the other. For actual Halloween, I'm tossing some ideas around, but it depends on what Mr. Stark is doing. ;)

Anyway, that's all I feel like typing right now.

Yea, I totally stole this from daenerys journal! Hehe

Comment with a picture of a fictional character that most reminds you of me.

And I'll do the same for you if you post this on your journal. :)